Not passing a drug test is something that can ruin your life. Seriously, some people’s careers depend on passing a drug test and a failed test could cost them tens of thousands of dollars in lost wages. According to Quest Diagnostics, 4.2% of the workforce failed drug screenings in 2016 (1). That turns out to be a crazy number of people, totaling 6,704,880 people who fell victim to this un-American practice of drug screening.
I don’t agree with the practice of drug testing. Testing my piss feels like an invasion of my privacy. It’s my friggin’ piss and nobody should be monkeying around with it.
Unfortunately, it’s a commonplace practice in America so we have to get creative. With enough notice, you can easily protect the privacy of your piss and cheat these invasive tests. It would be un-American to just bend over and take it when authorities overstep their boundaries. Here are 3 ways to pass the most important test of your life with flying colors. Remember to always cheat responsibly.
1. Detox Drink
Did you just have weed a few times within the last month? If so, this is an excellent option. But if you get high frequently or consider yourself a heavy user, then you might want to get a more heavy-duty product. For light users, this will handle that drug test without a problem. If you are a heavy user, you can always test this drink before your test with an at-home test kit. If it works, order another one. Light users don’t need to test it first. It does a fantastic job with light users.
This is one of the easiest ways to pass a test. It involves very little effort on your part. All you have to do is down a drink a little more than an hour before your test and you’re in the clear. Some companies give you herbal detox pills to go with the drink and other just give you the drink. Whatever you do, just make sure you read and follow the instructions. If it tells you to pee several times after drinking the drink, which it will, then make sure you pee several times before taking your test. Since you’re a light user, you have nothing to worry about if you use this detox drink and follow the instructions.
2. Synthetic Urine
This is a safer route, but can be a little tricky. If you have a monitored test, it can be kind of hard to use the fake urine. There are nifty little devices made just for the purpose of discretely storing your fake urine and keeping it at body temperature. The trick to using synthetic urine is in finding a company that produces a quality product that’s easy to use. If you go the cheap route, the test may detect that you used synthetic urine. Urine tests looks for certain compounds that are found in urine, temperature, and a natural pH level.
A legitimate company makes sure these things are factored in at the precise ratios needed to fool the privacy invaders. Given that failing a test can have a huge impact on your life, you should only go with the industry leader, Clear Choice. Fake urine is their specialty. This is the same company that the other major marijuana sites recommend to their readers, because it works. It comes with a 200% money-back guarantee, meaning they’ll pay you twice the cost of the product if you fail. If you want to make sure you don’t become one of the 6 million flunkies, then get the synthetic urine belt kit to play it safe.
3. Donor Urine
This method can be pretty hard to execute, and you need a reliable person to donate the urine. If they stand you up the day of the test or don’t have clean urine, you’re screwed. Also, you’re going to need a way to discretely store the urine and keep it warm. For this, you’ll have to buy a pouch capable of holding the urine, keeping it warm, and dispensing it discretely. Your best bet will be to look at catheter products. This is a lot harder than using synthetic urine because you have to scrap the kit together yourself. Synthetic urine companies do the hard work for you, giving you heat pads, storage pouches, and belts. If you can manage to put together a workable kit, this is a great way to pass.
What I Would Do Personally
It depends on how important the test was. If my real career was on the line, I’d do things very differently than if I was just trying to get another job at the local ice cream parlor (yup, worked there before). There are a lot of other situations that you might need to pass a drug test for. You will have to decide how serious the implications of a positive test result are, then you will be able to better decide what to do.
Always remember to take your sample mid stream. Don’t put the beginning of your piss in the collection container. It’s the most likely to have metabolites or THC. Use the mid or end of your stream.
Getting A Simple Job
If I was going through the hiring process for a job that would be nice to have but it’s not the end of the world if I didn’t get it, I probably would stop using marijuana when I start applying. At the very latest, I would stop using marijuana when I got my first interview. Doing this one thing could give you ample time to pass a test. Your body can clear THC in as little as two weeks, but if you’re a heavy user it can take up to a month. It rarely takes longer than that. If you’re overweight, a heavy user, don’t drink water, and don’t exercise then it can be detected past 30 days.
As soon as I stopped using marijuana, I would immediately start eating more fiber, drinking more water, and exercising. The fiber will help you excrete the THC through your fecal matter, the water would help you flush it out of your urine, and exercising would help you burn fat, which is where the THC is stored. It also wouldn’t hurt to drink a quart (32oz) or two of pure cranberry juice over a couple days, which I would also do.
If I had been abstaining for more than two weeks, I would buy an at-home drug test kit. If I had time, I would order it on Amazon because I could get one that was ultra sensitive (20ng/mL). If I passed that one, then I wouldn’t worry about getting any detox products. If I didn’t have time to order one from Amazon, I would find one locally from a Walgreen’s or similar store. If I passed it, I wouldn’t do anything else but continue to hydrate and exercise.
If I had stopped using marijuana less than two weeks ago, I would order a detox drink. If I weighed over 200lbs, I would buy the 32oz drink. This would ensure that I would past the test. The combination of stopping marijuana for several days and using a reliable detox drink would allow me to be super confident in passing the test.
Career On The Line
If the drug test was really important, I would do things a little differently. I take extra precaution when it comes to things that can have a huge impact on my life. All the steps I would take are not neccessary, but they’d give me peace of mind. This is assuming I know it’s coming and had time to prepare. If it’s a surprise test and you had no idea it was coming, you’re screwed. You at least need time to down a drink. So with at least a day or two to prepare, this is what I’d do.
My strategy would be to test myself at home with a drink and always have a spare drink handy for the real test. During this whole process I would drink at least a gallon of water a day, do 30-60 minutes of cardio, eat a ton of fiber, and consume 16 oz of cranberry juice a day. That’s a lot of fluid so I’d be sure to pace myself throughout the day. I would start this routine as soon as I caught wind that drug tests were coming. Of course, I would also immediately stop using marijuana as well.
I would immediately order a multi-pack of at-home 20ng/mL test kits and two 32oz detox drinks. I would test myself the day the test strips came in to get an idea of how tainted my piss is. I would then try a detox drink the same day to see if I could pass a sensitive home test. If I passed it, I would continue my routine and use the other detox drink to beat the upcoming test.
However, if I didn’t pass it, I would strongly consider ordering the synthetic urine belt. Before ordering the belt, I would try to find as much information as possible about the pending drug test. I would ask people who I know that have taken it and I would search for information online. If I didn’t think I could get away with the synthetic urine, I would continue with my detox routine and order another drink. I would test my piss again in a few days. If I failed, I would try a drink and then test myself. Hopefully I would pass with the drink by now and be able to use it for the test. If not, I’d go with the urine belt method and try to be extra discrete or buy another 32oz drink and hope for the best. Whichever felt right given the research.
If I felt that I could use the urine belt without having to worry about getting caught with it, that’s exactly what I would do. I would order the synthetic urine belt as soon as I felt I could use it. I would still keep up with my detox routine and test myself the day of the test. You never know, the detox could have cleared your body of THC and then you can safely use your own urine.